So if you like reading me (or not.. but still want to.. because Obama topless pitures won't load/facebook just ruined that last 3rd of life), i can be found at http://kidzactin.blogspot.com

Went down to one tree hill last week.. We drew on the walls of Alexa's apartment and got tattoos. I got (my) peanut butter.

#1 fan. To me you are perfect. From flavor to texture-smooth, chunky, extra chunky. You're so versatile- chocolate swirl, grape jelly swirl, strawberry jelly swirl, chips, cholesterol-free. This might be love.

"This is what I've got going on
This is where I belong tonight."

Sh-sh-shouldn't need anyone

“The woman is perfected.
Her dead
Body wears the smile of accomplishment.”

-Edge, Sylvia Plath

May I never be complete
May I never be content
May I never be perfect

I am.. back. There's not much to say apart from "I decided to be spontaneous". Which would now translate into a "I am broke". Surprise, mom? I'm home 39 days early. And apart from apparantly ruining Holiday plans (Mountains, theatre, christmas in general), I'd say she took it pretty well. I got a hug. And a few kisses. That's something.

So we got to the airport, and we look at each other with like the "Yeah we're back!" grin on both our faces. "Lets surprise someone!", genius idea coming from Yours Truly. So I rang Ashley. "Dammit. Overseas ring tone". I hang up. Ok nevermind, I'll try KC. Ring. Ring. Ringggg. No answer. I try again. 6 rings, no answer again. Okay, nevermind. Who you calling, Chloe? "I tried calling Melissa but she didn't answer. I think she's at work." (Melissa, the girl who I know only as "my sister's friend" works at the Lingerie section of Marks and Spencers. We laugh about that behind her back a lot). Steve? She rings Steve. He answers. He is happy. We look at each other again. "So who else you gonna call Holly? You have to call at least one person" I scroll through my phonebook. I have a total of 5 numbers saved. 2 didn't pick up, Chantal- number 3, is away, and the other two? Didn't dare call to say something stupid like "I'm back". Left with no one to make happy, I thought about the friends who quite possibly hate me, because I show up when I like then leave without saying goodbye. I don't use. I don't abuse. Having changed my phone/card/both so many times, I just don't have your numbers.

Jakarta was as always- Nice. We spent pretty much everyday with our cousins Aaron and Leon- the most amazing 11 and 14 year olds. I adore them. And think about them every morning at breakfast.

Krisna was a gem! We didn't have a lot of time to hang but we got to see him twice.. We got to see his house. It was like, wow. That is all I will say. His pool is like ours. Times 5. Or 6. He also took us shopping. Which lead me to realize (Like I haven't realized 15 other times before)- I am quite hopeless. I am miles from home and I decide I want to go to Topshop. Then Zara. Then the bookstore. Leon/inquisitive rang. He was in Jakarta too. And was going to Embacy. Which according to Krisna was like right at Senayan, where we were at.. But, I did promise to be back for dinner. And I was on night "I'm leaving in the morning".

And so it goes. I didn't get to see Sheila and/or Gillian.. January will be better :) Until then I work. And I save. Again. I really am trapt in this cycle, am I not? x

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas..

We are back in Jakarta. This house is like home. The home I used to have. The one I cannot remember anymore. I'll just go listen The Weepies. My favourite band! I have been saving my money. For you.

Stay gold.

Komm mal ans Fester komm her zu mir

The weekend was amazing (I use the word amazing a lot). Friday night owned. It was me, my friends, me again, downing 8 month's worth of abstained alcohol down my sore throat. Us. I like Us. We're good together, aren't we?! I honestly never thought I'd be dancing with Dawn. Or Cheryl. But there I was. Dancing with Dawn And Cheryl. The two people I used to spend every passing moment with. It was, nice. Dawn and I had this drunk conversation. I asked if I could I could stay at her place. She said yes. (We're friends. You can't say no to a friend.) Which left me stumbling around looking for her. I couldn't find her. I BET SHE WAS THINKING A NO. I BET YOU WERE THINKING A NO DAWN. She left without me.

And that is why I adore her.

Steve and Chloe picked me up. I owe.

I am torn. Yes, I am torn.

I have been having such a good time here in Singapore. I need to find Kc and Ashley pocket-pals to take with me on my travel. I might have a bit of trouble breathing without them. Wow. I don't want to leave.

Also, I just got off the phone to Jakarta. Aaron and Leon have been counting down the days. Which make me feel loved. And wanted. Missed. Which, in turn, makes flying later quite exciting(minus the packing part). I go see Steve Aoki with Sheila Saturday night? That will make me happy. Once I get there, I won't want to leave.

I'm taking today.

You're so nice and you're so smart
You're such a good friend I have to break your heart
I'll tell you that I love you then I'll tear your world apart
Just pretend I didn't tear your world apart

That was Cambodia. Singapore has been so good to me. I almost don't want to leave. I have been saving money..

So.. I drink like a boy.

It looks like pretty much everyone is going down to Bandung on the 6th to watch Jens Lekman.....

815am Siem Reap- 915am Phonm Phen- 1215pm Singapore.

Wow. My 47 (48 in an hour) days here are over. I am done. I've survived this unpolished gem. "This too shall pass". It has! All in all it was an experience. And a part of me will be left here.

I just called Ashley. Who was with Steve. So I got to speak to them both. Which was nice. Till I ran out of credit. Now waiting for Chloe to ring.. "Like a valentine from your mother", I really enjoy long-distant phone calls.

In anticipation.........

The clock on my computer tells me it's 5:25AM. It's really cold outside. I should be in bed! But I am on this crazy caffeine high. I was doing really well. No coffee the whole of yesterday. Then came 12AM. I had this intense craving so I said to me "Okay one cup." That one cup soon became two. And I don't know how number three came into the already developed Polaroid. Tsk. Coffee.. In all it's caffeinated beauty. So wonderful.

But anyway, on a less jittery note, it's the 17th! I see my massive suitcase lying against a wall, piled high with 2 month's worth of unwashed black white and pink material just.. sitting there. Staring at, Me. I think. Either me or the coffee table. Probably me. I put all my stuff out at 2:30AM with the intention of packing at 3. Hasn't happened.

These eye-bags are starting to become a permanant part of my face.

C'est le malaise du moment
L'épidémie qui s'étend
La fête est finie on descend
Les pensées qui glacent la raison

Protect me from what I want
Protect me from what I want
Protect me from what I want
Protect me Protect me

Protège-moi

Pacing up and down the canned food aisle at the overly crowded supermarket this evening, right hand following my feet scrolling right then left then right then left again trying to find something that would wrench my 6 o'clock heart. My left just dangled giving my forearm the task of Shopping Basket Hanger.

I have this addiction. This obsession. This craving. For feeling. For emotion. That feeling that emotion that pain. That pain. The one that Hurts. That Hurt being my drug of choice. And having realised, for quite a while now, that I, Holly, captain of this amazing mind, can create circumstances that in turn would feed that addiction. Emotionally, physically. I can sustain that high.

It would help if I were a bit more attached though. If I were to use the capacity I know I have in me and started to care more about other people. I try to, but sometimes I do wrong things. I mean, I've pushed 6 year old Cambodian kids running through candy aisle at that supermarket. Blame it on my beautiful temper. It was a bitchy thing to do. For some of those kids, it could very well have been their first time in a real live supermarket with real live Reese peanut butter cups and shiny golden-brown boxes Caramel corn. I mean, the candy section is pretty seductive. I have friends who candy shop regularly and still feel sugar's high going down the aisle. Did I do that on purpose? Did I secretly enjoy the post-pain of knowing I did a horrible thing?

If I built better relationships. If I had a boyfriend who I were in actual love with. I think about Chloe a lot. The space hurts. They say Love Hurts. The pain is proof it's love. I use my heart for right reasons. But then again I am Broken Social Scene's F--ked up kid. The only Broken Social Scene song I've ever heard. So who am I to say I know whats right.

Contradict me. I still say I have no vice. I forgot why I just wrote this post. Might. Delete. It. I'll see.

The weather today was lovely :)

I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones.

It's been 44 days.

44 days I have been here in Siem Reap. 44 days I have walked down unevenly tarred roads, back alleys with dirt roads large enough for two cars at most that snake from here to there and everywhere. Those same paths I have become familiar with. I know them the same way I know Orchard Road and the backstreets of Bangkok. I know which one will take me past the lotus flower sellers outside the temple, onto the sidewalks of the murky slow moving Siem Reap river that if I follow to my right, will take me to the Old Market where I will then contemplate on (for like 5 seconds) then decide and take 10 steps forward, 10 more to left, which will bring me to this little alley where Elizabeth's amazing store sits. I then try on the same thing. In yellow at first. Then white. Then yellow again. I look pretty good in yellow. Repeat. Try on the red maybe. Then decide "I'll take the black one."

44 days I haven't had an actual conversation. 44 days I haven't had a friend. 43 days I haven't cried. I cried on the 18th of November. Over dinner with my shadow, my vision started to blur and in a blink, tears- without permission, started rolling down my unblushed cheeks. This too shall pass. I said to me.

43 days I haven't drowned in emotional rage. Today I submerged myself in it. For no apparent reason. I found myself cursing at every thing I could curse at. Then came the tuk tuk driver who kept asking me "Lady you want to ride on my tuk tuk?" and after no-ing a couple of times his persistence turned into a push that pushed my insides and without mind, I turned around and yelled him, with like 5 curse words in that one tiny sentence (which he probably didn't fully understand) but I am sure my tone made it clear. As I walked away, my mind too- coincidentally slid back into it's rightful place. "Where were you?!" I asked. "Wanderlust", it replied. I rolled my eyes.

I leave on the 18th (can't upload pictures till then). Having survived 44 days, whats 5 more? A Whole Lot. Believe me.

Stay gold.

Bonne nuit ma chérie Chloé! xx

heart (härt) n.
The vital center and source of one’s being, emotions, and sensibilities

Clear morning.

Good morning Cambodia.

Could those be peanuts? And caned sugar?

Looks eggy. And intestinal.

Hoping I'd spot an Angelina Jolie.

Where do I go from here?

I got asked a dollar for the shot. It was half his face so it didn't qualify. Sorry kid.

Self.

Crossroads.


FIN.

"If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?" -Alice in Wonderland